conceptual photography

people called me narccist
for taking ma own pictures

what the hell!

i liked it so much!!

Lots of Love!

About Me

I may think…

I’m slow, I’m pathetic, I may think I’m creative, but I’m not. I don’t know what to do with my life, too lazy to go out of bed. My face? It’s too standard, I do tricks to all my pictures, it’s fake! Don’t trust anything I said, I’m a freaking liar. I say bad things about other people, I’m sick; I do that just to feel good about myself. You don't want to make friends with me, I have this reputation for stabbing my friends on their back. I talk nasty; I can’t help it. I’m self-centered, when u have your coffee time with me, I will never let you talk about your problem, because I’m the only one who can share my problem. Yes, some of them still share their problem, I hear them, then it goes right out from my other ear. My voice is irritating, yet I still sang in the car full of people, I don't care if they like it or not. I am a nuisance to all my friends, that’s why I don’t have any friends. My siblings, they can’t do anything, cause I’m still living in the house, when I have certain dilemma, I drag them down with me. My ex never liked me (after I break up with them), cause when I break up with them, I never gave any closure at all, cause I think it’s stupid and a waste of time, so long for maintaining friendship with them. I judge people all the time, too skinny, too bitchy, too ugly, too stupid… you definitely don't want to go out with me… you’re a non-smoker? I don't care! I’m still sitting in the smoking area. You like to go watch some movies? Well, too bad I don't like; watch it yourself! I’m a selfish pig, never care about anybody but me! I have nothing I can proud of, but still I’m acting like a jerk. I don't have any talent, business mind, or whatever that needed to earn some income. Ow right, I have talent though, I’m good at talking behind people’s back! It’s a gift I guess. I’m this two-faced monster, sometimes when I liked someone, I act very nice and gentle and decent, they don't know what I did behind their back! Never ever think of making me your boyfriend, I will cheat a lot. And if you think it’s ok to make me your boyfriend because you think you cheat a lot too, never hope, cause I only like to play with those foolish who think love is everything. I like to be the third person in someone’s relationship. It gives me a great rush that I secretly love so much! I like to see the pain people’s going through; it’s my dessert. The sound of people’s crying is my music. The view of people’s sadness is my box office.

but They think…

I’m a creative person with so many ideas, that’s why some of them ask for my help, they think I’m this independent person who know what to do with my life, they still think I’m too lazy to go out of bed! They think I’m not that photogenic (that is actually a compliment, meaning I’m better in person). they seems to trust me, but they definitely know when I’m lying (they can see it in my face). They still think I’m that person who says bad things about other people (but then they said, who doesn’t?!) they never think I ever stabbed them on their back (that’s why when they misunderstood my blog, they confront me right away). Yes they think I’m self-centered, but they said it’s ok because I still listen to their problem and gives some advices (although it doesn’t help much, they appreciate my efforts). My voice’s still irritating for them, when I start singing out loud, they do certain thing that make me uncomfortable and it make me stopped singing. Although they never think I’m such a nuisance, they think I need more friends (apparently they think I don't have much friends). They like the connection between me and my siblings, they think we’re so close (I did share a lot to my sister). They don't know if my ex have forgiven me or not, cause I missed closuring and they think it’s too fatal. They think I judge people I don't know, hell, everybody is! They still go out with me, and they still sit in the smoking area with me even though they're not smoking. They know I don’t like to watch movies, they made a deal with me, they will do stuff I like if I watch that movies with them (interesting). They think I should be more proud of my talent in designs (they think I have talent? Wow!), although they said I don’t have any clue in doing business (that’s why I’m stuck!) talking about people’s behind their back? It’s not a gift! It’s naturally comes from human blood. Everybody has it! They said, when I liked someone, I act so cool, it makes them puke to see me maintaining my self-image! (well, hellow, it’s the first date! It’s only natural!). I’m a cheater they said, cause I’ve cheated once. But one friend actually proud of me, because before, when I had a long distance relationship, I never cheated even once. She never thought I’m that loyal as a person (what the hell is that supposed to mean?). She sees me as a person who cherish love so much and hurt easily (hell, she’s the person who I always go for advices, and a lot! she always there for me!).

Oww.. dat’s so sweet.. Bee-Yatches!! Hahaha…
but which one's true? well, you judge!
you know i can't judge myself!

Anyway, for ‘she’, I thanked you very much! You understand my selfishness and never expect me to change! (‘cause if I changed, u think I’m not myself again). And I’m happy for you that you found your Mr. Right! Help me find ‘the one’! Hahaha…

Lots of Love!

give up on love?

so i give up on love
i guess i've had enough
and i dont give a fu**
what can i do?
just when i found the one
and i think love's begun
it's falling through

so i will dry my eyes
and i'll just fantasize
and i'll get moisturize
and think of u...

hah! cute! a song by geri halliwell

a funny melodies too! :-)

am i giving up on love? ofcourse not!
love is the greatest gift of all (according to ewan Mcgregor in moulin rouge)
it is though! love will break you down but love also gives you happiness!
and i said, for love, it worth the pain!
spread love all over baby!

Lots of Love!

ending

Time goes by, but we stand still
Love you for eternity I will
I know that we were meant to be
That’s how I feel when you’re with me

An old song I know, obviously about love. A song that’s so cliché, it makes people these days puke just listening to the lyrics. And when you know the singer, you will definitely puke twice. While people were puking themselves til’ death, this particular song gives me memories. A sweet memory, a sweet short relationship I had. And I’m the one who messed things up. Ironic? Definitely! I’m the one who had it going on, and I’m also the one who ruin all the good things. Well, just like Nelly Furtado said, all good things come to an end! Then again, it’s my gift to always look everything on the bright side. I have certain experience; I gain something, something that will help me see my dark self, so I will never ever make the same mistakes again. But, have I moved on?... I doubt it. It takes time. Of course I can go through it. How do you think I lived my life? ☺

And now… I close the gate

Lots of love!

From Ex to Dates?

I never believe in getting back together with any of my ex. To me, that was my past and I’m not planning on going backward. Why do I have to see my past when I have all the future ahead of me? Yes, I still maintain friend with my ex, and is that a bad thing? I don’t think so! Cause I’m having a good time with them, why not be friend? It’s a good thing, for me or for mankind at least. But just the thought of getting back together after those break ups, weird me out (And please don't get me wrong again with my statement above, see only the positive thing).

But after I experienced all of my friends’ love life (a lot of them getting back together with their ex), One says ‘you will know, you will feel it inside you, when u find your true love!’, ‘in one person life, they find so many true love, until the time they meet ‘the One’’. Ok, so I find it, the level in relationship…

First comes friend for benefits; one you definitely can count on them fulfilling your loneliness needs, but you can’t really count on their faithfulness, anyway you both have no commitment.

Second comes puppy love; the one who’s keeping you company through you life, only with commitment. He/she is your partner and of course u like them so much, you missed them so much, but you figure if you love them or not… (one friend told me, love is a sacred feeling, deep feeling, where you make yourself able to sacrifice your everything when it comes to relationship)

Third comes the true love; one level of course above puppy love, you knew you love him/her, although sometimes you have these doubts if they love you or not. on this part, it's all about jealousy!

And fourth comes the one; instantly you knew both of you love each other (still need a phase though). You knew each other, you trust each other, and you understand each other. There’s no jealousy (a little maybe), cause each both of you knew, is cheating with another person worth the love life you built so hard and takes a lot of understanding and trust/prove? Then you will have a second thought for cheating.

It got me thinking; on why I don't want to get back together with my ex-es, maybe I just haven’t found my ‘true love’! All these times, I’ve only been playing puppy love. Yes, I said the ‘love’ word, but if it was really come from my heart, I doubt it. I guess my love life before was just not long enough to reach true love.

So, to reach ‘true love’ or even ‘the one’, does it really takes a long period of time? Well, I say it really depend on how two person connected to each other!

and for my date, you don't have to worry about my ex, they're basically my good friends now! the one you should watch out is the hot ones. hahaha... ;-)

Lots of love!

How to know your partner's Unfaithful?

I don't really know what happened to me in the last couple of days. It really freaked me out the way I act and everything. I became one of those guys I hate. Silent and never really talk about how I feel (ARGHHH, then again, this blog is all about me after all!)

Sometimes we feel it would be better if we just keep it inside about how we really feel than just talk it out loud when we don’t know if the feelings true or not. And that’s when we become really silent. Why? I’m guessing, we don’t want to be so cliché. Like when our partner ask us ‘have u ever missed someone so much that you shivers inside?’ and we answer ‘yes baby, and it’s you!’ although it maybe… MAYBE true, what we get is definitely ‘ow.. That is so sweet, I love you baby’ when inside they’re thinking ‘what a sweet talker!’, on the bright side they still, somehow, happy!

People these days are getting brighter and brighter in handling a relationship. They know if one is telling the truth or not. They know if one is a sweet talker or naturally sweet. They can create this fake story that forced you, in one way or another, to admit that you cheated. Then again, when one can get brighter, another can get tricky. Of course they can fake story, but another can even make fake stories to handle the fake story from 1st party and play along.

I know this friend of mine, she’s a bright woman working as English teacher in an international school. She watched Sex and the City, she read Cosmopolitan, and I’m guessing she must know much about relationships with all the drama and the dark side. Recently thou’, long story short, she found out that her boyfriend were lying to her, he said that he was going to his aunt house and we found him in one club cuddling another woman. And yes, she broke up with him, for 2 days!! Man, I think she’s so independent, I guessed wrong. Somehow, during those 2 days, he make up this whole stories (which I still think is a fake) that made her forgive him. She said to me, in her own words, ‘I will give him a second chance, if he is a cheater; he would do the same again right? And that’s when I know he’s not worthy’. And I said ‘OK, be in denial, this is the desperate you anyway’, a bit harsh, but I’m hoping she got the point. Not long after that, I’m guessing one month? Or less! I found out he lied again. But of course she’s not pointing it out like that (apparently she know I will judge her), but I knew from the moment it’s all about her boyfriend! She still thinking of getting back together though, but she will gives a 3 days break up. She made up her mind so well, that same night she ran to her boyfriend place and talked it out! The next day, they’re getting back together and happily ever after! Take that ‘not worthy’ dear!

It’s none of my problem, but I still don’t like him until now! ;-)

At the end of this blog, I still don’t know how to know if my partner’s unfaithful or not. But I promise myself I will find a trick! From professionals cheater!

Lots of love!

All that things...

nu hair cut

I was having a mental breakdown for the break up starting last month. I had someone breaking me up for some reason I didn't even know. I didn't know what I did, what I said, it’s just gone like that. And it makes me sick! What I need was just a closure, like everybody else (then it hits me, I think that I might missed closuring for my last break up… ah well!) I didn't even think I could love again (well, at least for one year or two, I will fall in love eventually) so soon. Well at least that what was I thought it would be.

Unfortunately, as I wrote in my last few blogs, I like someone so easy (translate into cheap). I know sometimes I’m overly exaggerating the situations, but it seems like I’ve always knew, when it comes for love, someone’s going to get hurt, and until last month I never knew that someone’s might be me! I’m pretty shallow to think about this, but I just don't want to get hurt. So, in order to not be in love and fulfilling my needs as a single is to perform like a playboy (like I have the looks!). I just meet with new peoples, have fun together, and when I feel there’s some sparks between us, I can always run away and find someone else new! But if there’s no sparks at all but it still is fun, we can maintain friend. I had it going on in the past few dates (it’s a short list thou), I’ve succeeded! Until… (Not getting into that now).

I’ve always had so many strategies I’ve plotted for dating, some I might do, but some I just think it’s too corky to bring to life (I can assure you it had nothing to do with playing games in relationship, cause I did all this strategies before I stepped into those relationships). One of them is, I’m totally into cute and hot guys, I do! But they’re always been a fling for me, nothing more. And for relationships I prefer someone less cute and hot, but still have potential to be cute (I’m not really into dirty, stinky, ‘ugly’ ones, omigod, I’m so SHALLOW!). no offence to any of my ex-es, but some friends of mine don't always think I choose the right partner (considering the looks). But I’ve always told them too that I see something special in that one even though he’s not that cute or hot. And anyway, I never have to be worried about getting jealous for them (hah! Although some certain condition I did got jealous! Silly!). but I still aware that there were always a chance that they might cheated on me, but Instead of stressed out, I can always think that they’re not good enough for me if they cheated on me. Having these things plotted, turned out, doesn’t really saved me from getting hurt (last ex). I think this too was the reason why I’m so tired of relationships, other than that hurt bullshit, I can’t really be myself, I cannot be too open, there’s always a boundaries, and so on, so on. (and it’s tiring plotting for your dates, so much!)

And now, I’m dating again (duh!), although it’s only that 5 days thing. at first I didn’t really think that I will date this one, why?, he’s very cute, charming, easy going, the one that I think have 90% chance cheating on me (with all his out there friends, which I don’t mind), when I’m looking for someone who’s only got 20% chance cheating. But there’s a lot of things that he does that makes me go crazy! All the little things, all the talk-a-talk, all the putting-me-first, MY! It’s like, I feel very transparent around him, he could see me through! He’d always knew what my thoughts was and do exact same thing as I want him to. But of course, I tried (so hard) couple times avoiding him, I didn't want to call or message him, and I ask him nicely to just back up. Not so much of a result thou, I kept on calling and messaging (damn!). I even did things I never did to my ex-es nor my flings, I sacrificed. Man, this is going to be a huge problem for me. But I’m ready to take all the chances; I didn't even really care about all the chances. For once I just don't want to think about all this complicated dating things (just go with the flow). Play fun

Lots of Love!

Five Nights Stand

;-)

I may think I know the whole concept about one nightstand, but apparently according to one fellow friend, I have no idea. People tend to think one nightstand is playing sex with one stranger individual just for one night, that’s why the phrase is commonly and bluntly used in a chatting district. To him, yes, the basic idea about one night stand is to have sex just for one night, but he also think that the idea is about 2 person having a great one happy night with just talk and do stuff that’s fun (I’m not really sure that is what people ‘in this country’ were assuming of one night stand, then again, I’m not that out of a person, but I kinda like the idea).

It is actually nice if there’s this kind of whole new concept for two people just having laughs all day all night (not too obvious called dating), no no, actually similar to dating but we take it to the next level, it’s more like we feel like we already knew each other for 1 year although essentially we just met (how crazy and fabulous is that!). And of course human being equal never satisfied, it seems like they don’t want to let go cause it’s so much fun, no boundaries, no maintaining self-image, and all crazy things you’d do to your friends you know for quiet long enough you feel comfort around them (but this time you do it to your so-called partner). Then comes this idea of how about make it 5 times, five nights stand! Then I asked, why 5 times? Why not 3 or 4 or 10? Apparently he only has five days free (why? it’s confidential), why not make the utmost of the free days? (Good point!)

And this is only for a couple that stupidly think they will never be together for the reason of differences such as, families, financials, religions, cultures, looks, and so many other stuff that one person think his/her partner can’t tolerate, but you can’t deny that the two of u had a very nice evening together (you know how hard it is to find someone who understand what you’re talking about and debate about all unnecessarily things that become necessary in an uncomfortable silences)

I say, if it’s fun and nice and you both like each other very very very much (unless if u think u like him/her, when inside you actually only like the rush), go for it! Not just for 5 days, be together, be a lover! (What am I talking about?!?! Even now I’m still confused about this particular problem and I gave advices to people, what a nasty little liar!). But I think its true, life’s too short, stop thinking too pessimistic, and enjoy life! Cause u never knows what’ll happen next when u stop now, it could be bad, but it also could be beautiful. Take that chances, anyway it’s only 50/50.

Lots of love!

playing games

hard to get, revenge, affair, name them all, I’ve done them. What did I get? None! Ow wait, I got hurt, left, no love… why do I feel like I need to play games, when all I have to do exactly is to say ‘I love’ when I love someone, and ‘I don’t’ when I don’t! it seems easy in theory, much harder on practicing (hell, everything is!). Although, under certain circumstances, it’s better to not love than too madly in love. I’m just like a puppy, pet my hair, say nice things, kiss good, and then BAM!, I love you! I’m so cheap; I fell in love easily! And the way I handle it? I’m not playing games (perhaps people think I’m playing games, but I’m not), I just end things first before it gets too deep (I’m a bit of possessive), it will not do good for me, and I’m sure it’s not good for them too. Am I playing games with avoiding? I don’t really know what’s the meter for games. But I know one thing, if this is another games I’m playing, I really don’t mean it, and I’m sorry to people I’m messing with.

I really like this guy, seems nice, never bored with me (what a sweet talk!), and all the little things he do, but then again he’s everything I’ve told to myself I won’t date; he’s my age, not really mature (or so I thought), still confused with his sexuality (I never liked Bi)… got me thinking, this is not going to be so well in the future. Better save then hurt, the avoiding is beginning. But since i am oh-so-selfish, I don’t want him to think I don’t like him, cause I don’t want that gate closed forever. I don’t want to think that there’s no opportunity that someday we might get together (what am I thinking, I don’t even know if he likes me or not! man I’m over confidence!).

and if I’m doing this, it’s not going to be fair for him. I know I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him, but I also don’t want him to think that I’m that kind of person who likes to play games and leave him hanging there with no answer whatsoever from me (it hurts, and I know cause I’ve been there). And now I know I have to decide.

And then he messages me, asking me to go out with tonight eating ice cream and stuff like that (never been happier!). And I said yes!

but, ow wait, What’d I get? Stood up, yes.. i will never be happy :-) haha..

hmm… although, I’m pretty sure it’s just misunderstanding.. anyway I’m sorry

lots of love

dysfunctional to functional

Liquid Coffee

it is very interesting how you can study more for your life purposes out side of legal study departement. lets take coffee shop for warming up (apparently that's what i do most), other than sipping your favourite coffee, u can do a bunch of things at this place, you can always enjoy it with your friends, talking, hanging out, you can also see fresh meat in the market of who's-hot-who's-not, what else? do your urgent project which is very boring and comes to an end when u do at home? check! read some foreign magazine you feel hard to find locally or maybe you can find it but it's damn expensive? check! feel good about yourself by making fun of a lot others? (haha) check! drinking alcohol cause u think clubbing's not hot anymore? (they're not only serving coffee these days) check! escape from home in the middle of the night, and dont forget dating? check and check!! and a lot other things!

u can also eavesdrop on others conversations, it's bad, but at least you know what's going on with this world. Couple days ago, I happened to catch 2 guys conversation (I don’t mean it, but it got interesting). At first they only getting to know each other by asking age, where do you live, what do you do, things that you would’ve ask on first date, I’m getting ready to read my celebrity paper cause it’s so obvious they’re on their first date… but then, one guy pull out something small from his pocket (that looked like vitamin, and I have a glance of him looking around first before pulling the ‘vitamin’ out from his pocket) and for half second, the other guy take it and put it inside his pocket (and look around again, obviously he don’t want anyone to see what he’s taking).

And lets talk about these small vitamins with yellow color inside a small anti-bacteria plastic bag (doctors usually putting some medicine on ‘em), I’m sure it’s just medicine, but why the fear? It got me questioned them, and then I take a better look at the guy who gave the ‘vitamins’, thin tall dark-skinned man, black under his eyes (looks like haven’t slept for days), looked like a junkie. And the other guy, old-almost-bald man, seems healthy, seems curious at the thing, the type you will find at one club with one woman (that’s young enough to be his daughter) in one arm and a glass of beer on the other.. hmm… it got me thinking… were they… but then… you judge!

my 'nick'

I enjoy food very much, but then again, who doesn’t (perhaps models?), especially pork. Why? They have so many vitamins, and as I’ve heard, vitamins for brain (that’ll do good for me), plus they taste very nice (especially when my mum cooked it!), and much various recipe you can do with them.

And ow, I just remember, people are calling me pig (or as I hear my workmates call me ‘water pig’ whatever that means). Does it because I ate a lot of pork? If it does, I ate a lot of beef and chicken too you know, why don’t they call me cow or chicken? (I am too ‘chicken’ anyway). But then, I’m sure they’re not that shallow calling me pig because I ate pork, but what could it be?

Hmm… because I’m fat? I am a little heavier than my ideal weight, maybe that makes me look like pig? I do have a lot of other friends that I think is fatter than me (not that I’m pointing), but I don't call them pig or fat or giant or other things that shows their over-weight figure, cause personally I think that’s not how you call your friends (under several consequences like joking is another thing; with the person being called aware of). But if it again is, maybe I should do more work out and lose my weight more (which I’m trying so hard now), anyway there’s always a fresh and yummy sight at the fitness centre.

I have one more thing that might give me a hint on why they’re calling me pig. Do I smell bad? Ok, Sometimes when I’m out with the heat outside and all the dust, I’m all sweaty and it makes me very far to be on a perfume ad, but who doesn’t? It’s human; they got sweat. But, I take it, and I guess I should buy more perfume then.

I take it all, but I still refuse people calling me pig, I prefer something much more tasty. Like ‘hot handsome guy’ perhaps? ;-p

this is how it feels like...

both @ snow world

A year ago, I never knew why people stressed out, losing their mind, cried, and any other pathetic things just over a break up! I listened to so many hearts broken, and yes, I gave them advices when they don’t know that I never had a teeny winy heartbreak. And how did I do it, well actually I never said anything, they just talk and talk and talk, and when I gave them a comforting lies, they thanked me for supporting and for always be there for them.

For these 24 magical years I’m living my life, never once I ever ignore foods, not sleeping for 48 hours, don’t want to see anybody, don’t want to go out when it comes to a broken heart in relationships. Partners comes and goes, sometimes I’m the one who’s breaking up the relationships, and sometimes my partner’s breaking up with me, but life goes on so I moved on.

Last year, I begin another love journey with someone, it was a delight! Although it was a long distance relationship, somehow we were able to manage all the missing and let it all go when we met again. I have never felt this secure feeling and then a thought cross my mind; this is a mature relationship I have always wanted.

but now, with two days without any messages and calls, I am madly worried, so I message something that is apparently to him my word is vicious and accusing that my love for him is a frail, and something about how easy it is to change white to black in one day. It got me mixed up! How... I mean, how?!?!? Although I’ve explained to him that I never meant it to sound like that, but then, no message whatsoever appeared on my cell phone. it is very frustrating how you can’t reach someone with whatever media provided for a long distance relationship, how you never had a single word of explanation, how you don’t know if this is over or not, and finally, how people can change with only a single word you said to them… (I have this final thought, but I still can’t figure what I’ve said! And now I suspect he is cheating after a break up advice and opinion from my sister)

So, this is how it feels like to be broken hearted…

and now, people might say...
"HA! Finally! now you know how it feels like, BITCH!!"