i am = someone else?

How far do we have to maintain our self-image just to get a partner?

Body type
In gay society, there’s no doubt that you gotta have a smokin’ hot body, or at least lean. I’ve asked some of my fellow friends, and none of them would go out with chubby guy even thou he’s so nice and stuff. Isn’t that’s just shallow? So we have to go work our ass off just to get attention? What am I talking ‘bout, that’s the basic rules for attention! EX scene, there’s no one will turn their heads to a fatty that just passed by, but for hottie, all heads straight to one point. If you think you don't have that smokin’ hot body, at least you gotta have the sense of fashion in what-looked-good-on-chubbies. But if you are 170/75, please do yourself a favor and start putting your name in the gym!

So, yes, first impression is significant, although you’re not being yourself, at least you obtain crowds attention. Who knows, maybe various name cards will fall into your lap. Remember, this is the only time you can not-be-yourself, after you get someone’s attention, you have to be your most fabulous self – you don't want pretending to be someone else you're not for the rest of your dating days rite? It’s tiring! If you still do, just have in mind that sooner or later, he will found out the truth and you’ll end up humiliating yourself!

I still don’t understand, before, why did I have to be someone else on those first, second, third, FOURTH date?! Pretending all the time, when I knew, on the fifth date, subconsciously or not, I revealed the true me (not in one sitting, maybe 3 times and yes, all was revealed). But then again, that was like years ago, and now, if someone doesn’t like me for whom I am – slutty-bitchy-who-talk-behind-peoples-back – I can always assume there’s a lot to come! So ditch me so I can go and find someone else (that is until I find the fish is all gone, I will beg you to accept me for I will change-into-someone-you-want. LOL) don't get me wrong, it’s not that I’m against all that pretending-to-be, after all I’m this lonely gay bastard, public image is what’s important!

And for all of you who are apparently attracted to my fake-photoshoped-pictures, pleaseee… take me for WHO I AM!

Dress-up
First date, maybe I would wear my best shirt or at least t-shirt that fit good on me (I’m a freakishly tees lovah). But, lets not talk dating (it drives me crazy!), what about Saturday night, hanging out with your friends? Going to EX, see-and-be-seen? But of course! I need to dazzle some dry-eyes sitting all over the EX-PI-passage-way (well-known as the runway for all gays) yes, that runway, is where I judged people and be judged harshly by people, and if ever I wanted to walk those path, I have to be ready for my-most-fashion-victim-thou-I-knew-fashion-hurt!

{illustrated point} -I might be a bit hyperbole-
And ooo… me.got.meself.hunkie! ahh.. so sexy! And so, we went to his place and do somthin’ somthin’ it went perfect! Cause I did marvelous job with the pre-sexual to-do-list! I am simply… all that! Yes, the preparations take times - smooth sense of banana-body-puree, did a little push-up, shaved, manicure, pedicure, apple cream bath, new white undies, soft-smelling perfume, new pair of socks, clean shoes, clean tees with soft fabric and smells good, natural look wax – but was worth it! The next day, he woke up with my hair fell down, dry hand from dehydration, dried-sweat from last night “work-out”, and all that flaw that’s… human like! But his expectation to me were like oh-so-fabulous, and so when he faced the reality, he was like “I’m not ready for relationship, but you… oh you…. So… bye!”

So, which one is the true-me that I want my future partner to accept me for? Do I have to work my ass off everyday for the rest of MY LIFE just to please one person who take-me-for-who-I-am-not?! or just come clean, be my own self that one person adore and just be happy together-ever-after?!

A bit dramatic maybe, but I missed being me! And so, I want and I will be my own FABULOUS self! (By the way, is the ‘fabulous’ era over? These days, never once I heard one gay spoke the word! Am I so previous? Oh my god I hope not!)

Ahhh… just like Carrie, I just need to feel a weight of a man on top of me! And I am that desperate!

Lots of Love!