in between

Algiers & Byblical


As it turned out, I don’t know where my relationship is going. Is there any right reason for telling your partner that you don't love them anymore? Or should I be left feeling guilty for breaking another heart? Or am I? Who knows, maybe at some point, this relationship we build is basically a failure from the start but none of us wanted to step up and end this. In that case, I’m not breaking any heart when we both knew this would not last and both wait for other party to be the bad guy.

Is that even possible? I hope so! It will be easier for me…

Again! Me! Why am I this selfish is beyond me!

The past few days, all I’m feeling was that I wanted to be single again. But one part of me did thought; good guy doesn't come around that twice. And I’m back to phase one. Guess there is such thing as good and evil in one person’s lives. Or maybe in me, Algiers and Byblical…

~Algiers~
Good person doesn't come around that often, you want to be sorry for the rest of your life? For, of course, you will be single for the rest of your days!

~Byblical~
Funny you should mention that, who’s going to be more sorry if turns out one day you cannot take this anymore and eventually you’ll end things. You will not only holding back his next love but think how deep his love for you by then, it will hurt him even more!

~Algiers~
You felt comfy around him, and that what’s matter! As a poet would say, love will grow! You don't want to be single forever right?

~Byblical~
Oh, yeah! Listen to the poetic mad-man! Comfy is what matter! Why don't you just say, oh, okay, I love his nail, so I want to marry him! My point is, yes you like him, you need him, but stop thinking everything is about you. Have you ever think this through his side?

He might be thinking, oh, everything’s going so well, nothing changes, but you’re having second thought. A week, two weeks, three weeks… surely you’re meeting up with new people and make friends. And he’s ok with that, you’re only making friends, or so he thought. One day, you meet another perfect candidate for you (or so you thought). And you just leave him like that? Take his position, and how would you feel?

Stop it you two! You both are the greatest, but not helping here! (fyi, that does not include a list of also ‘non-helping’ advices from friends)

The truth is, he’s a nice guy. Being with him is such fun! No, that’s fairly incorrect, we just don’t have the same connection, the chemistry, it felt like we’re forcing stuff to make stuff happen. Maybe partly that’s why I lost some feelings, no, to be harsh I never had the feelings. Basically, it’s like I’m trying on an outfit that I know didn’t go for the soiree and I tried it anyway, it still does not work. Yes, I’m a B.I.T.C.H!

He really is nice to me, it definitely outrun the fact that we didn't have the chemistry. But over time, it’s really a pain in the buttocks! I don't know if it’s because that he called too much or that I’m not a phone-guy, but I’ve been to the place where I rerun the question I asked him earlier… on the SAME phone call! The purpose of avoiding awkward has led me to awkwardness!

Well, I guess it’s true. I whine when I’m single and I whine when I got one! I really should attend some sort of mental classes just to figure out what do I really want in life! Obnoxious loser, me! I just have too many things to figure out in life. And this is the least problem from what I’m facing. To save some time, as Tyra Banks would say, I’ve reached my decision.

Lots of Love!

About Me ~Deux

Living for the past 20 years as the last-born child had me all irresponsible, negligent, immature, and careless. I’m not saying that I have experienced all that ups and downs in life as a 30 years old would, but my ups and downs that revolve just enough around my family, educational, relationship, and friends for the past 3 years, has taught me to be a little bit responsible, less careless and more mature as I am standing here now on my 23rd self. Here as well, I’m not saying that I have loosened the juvenile self I owned, I’m not proud of it but also I’m not disgusted by it. Once I remember a friend have told me that I am talented with all the creative I have made, am I now? She’s neither wrong nor right. Of course I would say I am talented, that is if I’m in a job that I love and that I do them well. Creative on the other hand, I would still say that I am one. I don't know if there’s any rank that one has to reach or a task that have to be fulfilled to settle a creative being, but in my understanding or to be accurate as I saw the creative level in the country I live now, It’s a definite mistakes for me to say I failed to perform. No, I’m not saying that I am better; I’m just as good. In life overall, I would say I am a three at this point of mine.

Obsessing for fashion would have me all tremble and squeaky if one day I’m this famous fashion designer. But with only the degree in Visual Communication, I’d say I doubt it. I can't wait if someday I will be able to meet world famous Designers that has made this world is what it is now; a world where people turn every business opportunity to a fashion manifestation! Ask them how they transform old tulle to a fabulous couture! And perhaps steal the opportunity to be made their assistant (I would be so honored!)

If there is anything better than fashion for me, it’s to be a photographer. This may be more in sense than the fashion thing since I have some study regarding photography, but silly me still hoping in pursuing fashion. Picture really is indeed reflect thousands of words, the more did art photography.

Even though sometimes I did pictures to speak my mind, often I just speak my mind! I am a man of words (not a man of his words, no, I can’t keep up with promises). You might say I talk faster than I think. I’m this selfish ego that may run this city packed with people into oblivion. It’s not likely me to be considerate of other people feelings. But I do know my real friends and of course, we talk feelings to feelings mad like hell. I can separate the fake ones and filtered which one which. With so many fake people in the city, no wonder how so little friends I’ve got. The truth is, I have nothing oppose to the fake person thing, let’s face it, I’ve been fake some of the time and we needed that just like we needed Body Shop daily-musk to survive in this social world, but the ‘too fake’ one that bothered me (I bothered a lot of people too, but hell, this could go round and round!). Some have argued if I worth to be friends with. I can’t really blame them to even reconsider being my friend. I’m not going to force one person, as I am insanely not pleased to be forced-friend with someone I don't like.

One has said, I often contradict myself. So, yes I may have state myself in apparent ways above. Don’t really count to it if someday you really meet me and see that I’m this whole other person you didn’t see anywhere in the text above. I am that contradictive.

Til then, ciao…

Double-a-bed

I’ve just read this article concerning a sleeping behavior between two individual who share their bed. And there it said that National Sleep Foundation, a non-profit group in Washington, proximate that 61% Americans sleep with the person they loved. Even though the presence of other may have increase the sleeping disorders, 62% people that have been surveyed choose to still sleep with their companion.

I’m sure Americans have their own way, or maybe our way is just not as different as theirs. But to me personally, sleeping together, had me awaken all night long (maybe it had something to do with the fact that I own a single-bed, how vacant a single-bed could be with two grown-ups?), it really disturbed me physically with the hugging (don't get me wrong, I’m a big hugger! But sometimes, plus the air-con, it’s still hot!) and small space that kept us bumped to each other.

Even though I could manage the hugging and the bumping by purchasing a bigger bed, still, sharing a bed is tough (at least for me). From the temperature of the air-con when one party felt cold and the other as hot as hell, to the ritual of TV before bed. Or maybe about the tidiness and location of the bed (couples fight over these things!). Dinner or breakfast on bed? One of the most arguable conditions other than sleeping naked. Some even fought about the alarms and letting pets into bed.

I agreed with Paul C. Rosenblatt that every couple has to manage many problems so that the system could work. Stuff about how to make the bed, laying on the bed, bed-behavior, sleep and awake. Calling specific, which side of bed are you, watching news before lights off, how often you go to toilet, music volume, snoring, insomnia and bla bla bla. And of course, the signal whether they crave for attention, want to talk or just need to be alone. And as time goes by, problems evolve. It gets bigger, life full of it!

Often we manage to overlook this minor stuff when perhaps it’s the minor stuff that has led us all to fight over fights, broken heart, even failed marriage…

Ok, for a simple sleepover, that’s just too much!

Lots of Love!

Independence Day

People who read my blog (and of course keep posted with my love life) will recognize the pattern of me a propos to my habit in writing. Whenever I’m in sort of relationship, I become an infrequent blogger. My last blog was like last month and it ended there just at the beginning of my new ‘association’.

I just got back from an annual Independence Day bazaar around my neighborhood. It took place at block 4 (while I’m residing at block 7, just a step away). I arrive there just late enough to still able to watch the main attraction I’ve always wanted to see (but like never), the famous ‘panjat pinang’. There was a bunch of half-naked guy, covered in some sort of oil and then there’s a 10 meters horizontal pipe, which also covered in oil and a bunch of prize including the ‘flag’ on the tip of the pipe. The whole point is for them, shoulder to shoulder, climb onto the end of the pipe to catch the flag that worth millions Rupiah (and counting as time goes by). And of course the catch is that oil that’s so slippery and to make it a lot harder there’s a maximum person per pipe (5 max). Finally, after 15 times of trying (since I arrived there), they got the flag (and of course not to overlook, all the other prize). The flag worth 3,5 mil plus 500k the time they reach it. The funny thing was, the second they reach the flag; all the audience started to went their separate ways and in one half minute, the courtyard was empty. In the middle of the attraction, I spare me some time to buy a burger from a guy with bicycle cart. Just like the old days when I was on elementary school having the same burger in front of the schoolyard (tho, recent style was added to the burger, the meat is now covered with egg).

The hour was 5.21 pm when we decided it was not fun anymore. So we went to Hot Station (my sis craved for the ‘roti kosong’). She ordered it and the kids happened to order dinner there (I thought we only went there for half an hour just to enjoy the roti kosong, turned out we have our dinner there). The dinner only took us one hour for the place was haunted with mosquitoes, DEAD AND ALIVE! Fortunately for the mosquitoes, I use short pants, their dinner was served fresh with a little bit of sweet flavored from the sirap mutiara I drank.

Went home with all the hot sweat and dirt from outside the courtyard drove me insanely desiring for a cold bath and clean my asses off, almost literally speaking.

And here I am now, laying on my bed, having a melancholic moment alone with Michael Buble rhyming L.O.V.E through my ear and out the other. Tomorrow is weekend, me and babe planning on having our dinner at Zenbu and watching Ratatouille at I don't know where (we just decide it tomorrow). Ahh… Okonomiyaki.. here I come! But, I suppose tomorrow, from 9 to 4, I have to company my bro-in-law to his shop because my sis got to pick up one relative from the airport. Think we’re gonna have our dinner at 7. See you tomorrow babe! Til then.. Ciao!

Lots of Love!

ah.. yes, these couple of days, due to i don't know what! my back hurt really bad! i can't bend my self to pick up things from the floor or my back hurt, i cant sit too comfortable or my back hurt, i can't nod too hard or my neck will hurt! it's a pain! so, just 2 days ago, my mother ask a masseur to come to our house and see what's up with me? she come to conclusion that my lower part vein is all stretched and pointed to my back. so she did her thing, and voila, all the vein back to their places. tho it still hurt, but i think it's getting better (still, it's a pain now to sleep in any crazy position i love! i have to sleep like the dead!)

again.. Lots of Love!

Edgy hair, people?

I’ve done something with my hair like last week. I thought it would give me a little side of edgy. But sadly, I can’t pull it off! I look like that guy from Sony-Ericsson’s latest TV Commercial with the hair when on the sunset having this reminiscent of a coconut tree (profile look). Please let me visualize my malfunction style to you… my hair is a little bit longer than a spikey one, and I happen to cut all my side hair to baldness. Shortly, picture a pineapple… yes, that’s me! I’m so happy! Ewww!

I asked my sis, how do I look? She didn’t say a thing; she made her you-are-ugly-and-disgusting face. I went downstairs to play with my nephew on my dad’s room. My mum said “what were you thinking?!” and my dad yell “GO OUT!”, he hates my hair so bad he hates me! And when I met a friend, she just said “new haircut? It’s good. Ehehehe…” with guilt all over her face (guilty of lying I suppose). And another friend said “you are sooo not looking hot right now!” and I’m feeling less confident the whole night at Oh La La! (Damn you Robert!)

Families and friends… sometimes they could be your greatest allies but sometimes they’re just your worst enemies. After a couple of days after the ‘chopping’ day. Walking in the mall and becoming the center of all attention has led all my sisters forced me to always wear my hat until it grows. I knew they were sort of pulling their jokes by saying ‘don’t you dare walking near me with your extravagant hair style’, but I’m still feeling a lil’ bit left out (not that they never ask me to go out ever). But they are so right, all attention on me. Once I busted a middle-age lady who’s looking at me til her head turn 180 degrees! (I think she bump her fore head). And the only defense I can pull to my sisters was ‘the point of cutting my hair like it is now was because I’m in need of all the attention right? Just remember that I’m one of those attention-seeker’

I’m not saying that there’s no positive attitude regarding my excessive hairstyle. Like maybe one of my maid said it’s good? (aihh..! can you smell my desperation?) or recently a friend’s giving out ‘compliment’, tho after I forced him the question ‘compliment or criticism?’ hmm.. Maybe just that two! (I really should grow my hair rite?!)

People… IT WILL GROW!

Lots of Love!

4 days substitute

Me n Tanti! hanging out.. aihhh.. dose were the days

24.07.07

Today is the first out of three days I substitute my sister to company her husband in his shop. It’s a pain in the ass. But, as long as I got my ciggy and mac, I’m good to go.

Or so I thought…

There’s pretty much nothing to do here except making receipt and watching the buyer goes by… other than that, I can just wait for my dearest to call on his lunchtime. Ow… Have I told you that I’m committed? ;-)

It’s pretty soon I guess… but it just felt right. So, just last Saturday we met at my favorite meeting point, Hot Station (after a week of voice calls, um… not even a week). And I just realized something… That was my first real-real date! It stroked me like a lighting bolt; I didn’t know what to wear! Never before I didn’t know what to wear! It’s like an old saying: a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear! After 2 hours, I came to my senses and go casual never goes wrong. So I use my sport shirt with black tank top. I looked like just got out of the gym! What was I thinking?! But it didn’t go anywhere wrong. What actually happened was, I charmed him. ;-) And so, he stayed at my place, and you know where it was heading. He came the next day and the day after. Aihh… I knew it was just a cliché behavior of newly committed couples, but it was amazing so what the hell! And tonight, he’s planning on taking me to my favorite dinner, Pizza!

26.07.07

I think it was the pizza that I gain 3 KILOS! Aihhh…! So depressing! At the shop, 3 days down, and one to go! I’m not hoping Saturday I’m still here. Babe is now out of town having his work done. Left my lips to dry ;-) he’ll be back tomorrow tho’, so here I am being patient. Cannot be too selfish to have the whole in him. ☺ The thing I liked about babe is that he’s not promising anything, he’s not full of words, tho once he said that he could tolerate my anger problem. We’ll just see. ;-)

I don't deny the fact I’m in a relationship so soon because I felt lonely. On my defense, I think everyone who got into relationship; they were lonely in the first place (otherwise why would they step into something called ‘we’?). Anyway, it’s nice to have someone who message and call just to ask me how I’m doing… just a simple message shows that he cares… and my babe… delivered it! mwah2! ;-) And again… I’m sure it’s just the new-couples euphoria… Ah, I’m being pessimist.

I Love My Shoes!

It’s true! I have not so many pairs, but I love them all, tho I admitted I have one favorite pair. I don't go out a lot, if all my shoes have feelings, they will sort of having negative sentiment toward my white sneaker. Every time I’m in the mood using shoes (I use sandals mostly, but we’re talkin’ shoes here) I always go for the white sneaker. It looked so good with the gold lining. Sadly it’s a suede! I’m having a hard time maintaining. Even though most of the time it’s killing one toe at a time and in spite of all that dirt that wont come off from the suede, I still uses it.

Recently, one occasion got me thinking… why did I buy all that shoes if I didn’t even having desires wearing it? Hell, I just bought a virgin cowboy boots that never even touch the asphalt.

So, just last week, when a friend asked me to have a ‘hunting’ time at Oh La La, I had to take the boots out for a little ride. Won't be fair for it cause it’s been weeks since the first time I bought it. Still… it killed one toe at a time!

Seems like all my shoes having this harmful thoughts for my toes!

I remember once, 5 years ago, I bought this blue puma for 50% off. And as usual, I picked it for the reason of its look (I never really care if it’s comfy or not as long as it’s fashionable). Turns out, it was the comfiest shoes I have ever had!! I used it all the time. Days and nights, formal or informal, every occasion. As time goes by, the fiber lining started to peel, until finally it’s all stripped. But I still used it. It was 2006 when a friend feels sorry for me and asked me if I wanted him to buy me a shoe. But I have always said to him that I like the shoe and asked him just think of it as a vintage shoe. After a couple of complains from other friends, I thought that was my cue to let it go and retired it. Tho until now, I still keep the shoe.

As I wonder through my old shoes I had, I seldom use them! Even one or two shoes that I never use. I happen top found my gray bulky sneaker, green slim, white/green A, white kappa, black layer, and some others. And just yesterday, for my very first real date, I use an old shoe that used to be one of my favorites, a 78 Converse red/blue. Yes, it was killing me the whole night, but the shoe still was fabulous (was worth it).

Aside from all that I-love-my-shoes, once I ‘Killed’ my lower-leg-high blue Converse. I bought it because it had a very bright blue color and the inside was silver. I’m very much in love with that shoe. But then, they told me there’s no size for me, and they told me to go look in other branches. After couples of malls I went through, still no size for me. I forced the number 42 and bought it. Sure it’s too small, but what the heck! I only used it once to one huge mall and never use it ever since. It HURT so bad, not only it hurt my toes; it started to peel my skin. So I cut the higher length and put it in a box and never open it since 2006.

I still love my shoes even tho they hurt me regularly.

Lots of Love!

Nonetity ~ Part Uno

I wanted to scream out loud… nobody listen. I’m here, I’m alive, I’m moving… nobody notice. So here I am, in this book, seeking pathetically for attention. You don’t know me, but you can think of me as the nerd boy in school people liked to play with. Or weird man next door who you never see walking out but you know he’s there because you always listen him moaning through your bedroom wall. Nobody knows who I am; I’m the living dead for some people. People knew I exist like they knew seat belts exist, they knew it’s there they just don’t give a damn. What’s important to me became unimportant and what’s unimportant became important. I don’t know what I want because I knew what I want always end up in no result.

In a room I’m staying now, they’re dirty. I didn’t have anything to do yet I thought I’m too busy to clean the room. The wall painted in white color yet the room seems dark. A pile of naked pillows at the end of my bed just laying there with no intentions by me to cover it up with cases. A white ladder I made for design-sake is now standing on the other side of the wall, covered thick with dust. And above it, a green mirror hanged on the wall had a red spot, which I made-believed was my own blood. I rest my self on the bed, wishing I’d wake up in far more beautiful world than mine’s now so far.

I’m awake. It’s dark. It’s 04.59… am. A minute before five. Everybody knows it. But the question’s still remain to be answer; am I exist? I knew I lived with my family. I had my parents, my three sisters, my two nephews, my brother in-law, and two maids. They must’ve noticed me. So I come down to find out. It’s dark. Of course it is. I notice my watch point at 05.03 am. I just grab mineral water and back upstairs to my room. I lock it. I notice something’s missing, but I don’t know what it is, and I don’t let it bother me either. I sleep.

If forgot to turn off my daily alarm. It’s eight in the morning. The sun’s coming through my paper-covered window. It’s awfully a bright morning. Then I realize… I didn’t hear any sound whatsoever coming from outside. It’s weird on Thursday morning. It’s just not the usual. Not even that annoying dog that usually barked all morning. I open the lock. I knock my 3rd sister’s, Sheena, door. No answer. She must’ve already gone to work. She works for a local University as Geology teacher. Her students are all on their midterms. And it made busy-weeks for her. Gone early and home late were her daily routine for the last couple of days. My 2nd sister, Danni, I presume already went downstairs for breakfast. She works for my father now that he just wanted to relax and stay home with his grandsons. My father works in bread industry for the last 30 years of his lives and he’s now leaving it to his son and daughter, that made my brother, Tony, and Danni works together as a team. I never thought it will works though, since me and all my sisters was not very close or to be harsh… hate him. But, so far, they went along just fine. I say because they were separated from each other. Bread is very ‘hot’ right now, the demand charts is far passed the line. It’s also creating a hectic on the market. So, when I see Danni’s not in the kitchen having breakfast, I’m not that surprise. I didn't see the maids either. I presume Bie and Nue went to the market to buy some vegetables I told them yesterday. Daisy, my 1st sister, and William, her husband, usually gone to work with Danni in the morning. I never thought they would go that early considering the lazy habit of Daisy. Daisy and her husband opened a new café not far from Danni’s pastries. The café have some potential as I saw it, and both Daisy and William worked so hard to make it possible. I had to give them credit for their willingness to have a life, as I am here willing-less to make my own. It’s 8.21 am. The kids already went for their elementary class. No one’s down stairs, I look at my father and my mother’s room. Seems empty. It’s dark inside. I go out. That dog’s not on his cage. It’s empty. Where’s that dog? I liked him that’s true, but I can’t stand the noises he made. It’s just annoying. Somehow, I’m just glad he’s not here today. There, next to the car, I see a newspaper. I took it. As I wonder my eyes around the neighborhoods…

I drop my jaws…

Dad

He’s the one person who thought that his answer was the only answer there was. And marvelously he still is! Lately, regarding the term of ‘broken karaoke utilities’ and to upgrade some more utilities, he became close friends with Harco Glodok in the city. And looking that I’m at home and do literally nothing, he expect me to company him just in case there’s no parking lot available and ask me to find one while I drop him elegantly in front of the lobby.

Yes, just this afternoon, I company him there (I want to be a good little son for once, or was it, I have something in mind that I wanted from him? Hmm..) Apparently he wanted to add another BMB speaker, but we went home with a Cerwin Vega.

A relationship between him and me was very stiff and still is. There was nothing to talk in the car besides some asshole motorcycle that always got in the way or something that he knows best, his self-proclaimed superior voice. Other than that, we only listen to him singing some Chinese songs recorded in a tape (whenever I had enough, I turn on my mp3).

How can I talk to someone who always thinks his answers is the only that’s right? Whenever I speak my mind, and he disagrees, he called me stupid and continues his mumbling. I can’t tell how many times he called me or other fellows in the house stupid/moron/idiot in a day, maybe more than I said ‘stupid’ in a month! I really tried my ass off to make this relationship between him and me a little more ‘hobble’.

So when we drove off to Glodok this afternoon, and he talked something, I had to gave some feedback that I thought to him was the right one, just so he doesn’t call me stupid. Turned out, it was very tiring when you have to think of the right answer before you talk (although sometimes I know it’s crucial). Since I’m not him (and I never knew his way of thinking), I still got the ‘stupid’ word from him. Not that I blame him tho, I think maybe that word already naturally slipped out from his mouth whenever he heard something he oppose. So, to sum up, him and me, still stiff. Yap!

Ow, last nite, when I wanted to refill my printer, on the way home my nephew, Matthew, decided that he’s not Jacky Chan anymore. And when we asked him why, he said that Jacky Chan is not handsome anymore (like he ever was!). so, he wanted us to called him ‘Manny’. We still don’t know who Manny is, but we do know that to Matthew, Manny is the new character he and his friend Wilhan made. I just hoped that Manny is not his and his friend’s imaginary friend!

The 4th of July already passed, and I still waiting for the result! Apparently they delay the result for some reason I didn't even know. I’m just happy that I called my friend first, so I didn’t have to go there and face the blank result board! They’re just playing with my nerve here! I was informed that the result come out on 6th or 9th July. So till then, don't shock me with other news please!

Lots of Love!

Drama queen / Attention-Seeker

These couple of days I’m depressed for something that to me was childish. It was started when I failed to perform well on my last presentation for my final project. Every question I choked. I touched the point where I was sweating in a room with 2 air-con. They come to conclusion that my design was so-not-Ivan-Gunawan, that my design was too plain, not glamorous, it was a no-no!

Ironically, that day, even my horoscope was turning his back on me and said (as I quote):

“Following your hunches has led you to some interesting and educational places in the past, but it won't lead you anywhere good today. So act with caution at every turn. Don't get involved with something you're unsure of, no matter how good it looks at first glance. You need to fully understand whatever you're dealing with -- take as much time as necessary to do your research. Being impatient won't get you anywhere except in deep trouble!”

Beats me in the head with it!

After the ‘dreadful’ presentation of mine, I drag my dispirited ass to the mall nearby just to cheer myself a bit before I have to back to the Uni to collect all the display. Then come messages asking “how’d it go?” “you nailed it, huh?”,”where should we celebrate? It’s your birthday too anyway!”

“it doesn’t went really well, but I think right now I can just wait and see the result later on 4th July.” Full stop!

I guess that line should’ve been my response…

Instead…

“I’m so stressed! Help me out please! I don’t know what to do! I’m Fucked up! I am a failure! I don't know what to do! What should I do?”…

Looking back, I AM one attention-seeker drama queen! Always hoping that people would call me and say nice things to me, calm my already-calmed nerve, cheer me up, and stuff that made me think that I’m the first priority on peoples head. I exaggerated the situation for the hope of peoples concern… pity me!

There’s still so much I have to do to deal with my non-sociable personality. And for my friends out there, I know I haven’t been the perfect ally, but hey… please don't expect me to change too much, I’m too self-centered for that! LOL… if you think that some little personality I have to change to socialize (like that drama queen thingy), you know I will (hell, I could use a friend!) but if you really really hate my personality and expect me to change it all, you know there’s a lot of people out there who wants to make friends with you, ditch me-don’t include me to your allies!

It has been 3 days (as my friend informed) since I answered phone-calls. That was a stupid act of mine! I regret it now! What if someone’s important called me and didn't leave message at all? As I looked the missed-calls list, there’s plenty of number I didn't recognize (few which I knew, come from Muara Karang-Pluit area), what about the others? Could be the employer who probably now already got the substitute… or someone hot somehow keep my number and tried calling me but since I didn’t answer he’s now happily committed with someone else… or could be my sisters calling from someone else mobile and needed urgent help (but since she’s ok now, ah well)… the point is, for someone who couldn’t live without his cell like me, it’s stupid not to answer your mobile (that is if you didn’t have any voice mail, ahh… like people here’s going to leave voice messages even though you did have it)

4th of July, please be good to me!

Lots of Love!

antara bangga dan tidak

Saya mungkin bukan seseorang yang bisa menghakimi apa yang sekarang ini (atau mungkin sudah dari dulu) terjadi terhadap Indonesia, lagipula, saya hanyalah seorang mahasiswa tingkat akhir berumur 23 tahun yang sedang mengajukan topik tugas akhir yang nyatanya tidak memenuhi kehendak sang dosen (tapi apa boleh buat, saya hanya mengulang tugas akhir yang sebelumnya saya dinyatakan tidak lulus karena absen menghadiri hari sidang).

Saya selalu berpendapat bahwa Indonesia (yang sudah dinilai oleh dunia sebagai Negara ke-3, atau nama yang lebih dikenal “Third world country”) adalah Negara yang ‘pemalas’, ‘konsumsi yang berlebih’, ‘korupsi’, ‘apalah yang jelek-jelek’… atau bisa saja saya hanya bersikap pesimis terhadap Negara yang saya tinggali ini, tidak tanpa usaha, saya sudah mencoba segala cara untuk melihat sisi positif dan bersikap optimis, kosong, saya benar-benar kosong… tidak ada yang bisa saya lihat sisi positifnya (ada memang, seperti hasil alam Indonesia yang berlimpah, tapi kemudian saya berpikir lagi, hasilnya kemana? Saya tidak terlalu mengikuti politik yang berbelit-belit yang lebih banyak ditutupi), yang terlintar di benak saya hanyalah segi negatif dari Indonesia.

Saya memang tidak bisa dijadikan contoh sebagai ‘pencinta negara’, secara sehari-hari bahasa yang saya gunakan bercampur 70 % bahasa inggris (untuk juga bisa berbicara kepada keponakan saya yang dengan ultimatumnya TIDAK mau berbicara bahasa Indonesia dengan alasan ‘jelek’), sisanya 30% hanya saya gunakan dalam pergaulan sehari-hari dengan orang tua dan teman-teman. Menurut saya bahasa inggris sudah terlalu umum digunakan, seharusnya memang saya memiliki bahasa lain yang agak berbeda seperti Perancis atau Mandarin, tapi apa boleh buat lagi, mempelajari bahasa pada umur 23 tahun memang agak susah.

Selain itu, saya juga selalu beranggapan barang apa saja asal impor, memiliki kualitas yang lebih baik dibandingkan Indonesia (bahkan dari Negara Thailand sekalipun). Barang hasil produksi Indonesia yang saya miliki di kamar saya hanyalah furniture yang memang saya beli dengan alasan ‘harga’, selain itu, mungkin beberapa pakaian yang hanya saya gunakan di bawah atap rumah ini.

Salah satu segi negatif kecil yang sudah saya sadari sejak smp (mungkin) adalah penggunaan bahasa Indonesia yang (mungkin lagi, saya tidak bisa terlalu pasti; saya jarang membaca buku) hanya mengganti beberapa huruf dan jadilah bahasa Indonesia. Pemalas, seperti yang saya sebutkan sebelumnya, malas membuat kata baru dan hanya meniru. Seperti contohnya ‘toilet/wc’ tetap saja toh bahasa Indonesianya ‘toilet/wc’, ‘sex’ menjadi ‘seks’, ‘penis’ tetap saja ‘penis’, ‘public’ menjadi ‘publik’, ‘fashion’ pengucapan sama penulisan berbeda ‘fesyen’, ‘name’ menjadi ‘nama’, dan banyak lagi (tidak akan saya jabarkan disini, saya bukan kamus). Ada lagi dalam bahasa Indonesia yang bisa saya kategorikan dalam ‘pemalas’, artinya berbeda, pengucapannya berbeda, penulisan sama! Contohnya ‘apel’ buah dan ‘apel’ dalam artian mengunjungi pacar, dan ‘tahu’ makanan dengan ‘tahu’ mengetahui/mengerti, dan mungkin masih banyak, tetapi, harap maklum, nilai bahasa Indonesia saya tidak terlalu menakjubkan semasa smp/sma.

Tetapi masalah bahasa, mungkin memang beberapa Negara merasa hal tersebut terlalu memakan waktu jika harus membuat kata baru, oleh karena itu mereka hanya menjiplak saja apa yang ada dan kemudian mengganti beberapa huruf, seperti ‘toilet’ dan ‘toilette’, ‘one, two, three’ dan seperti lagunya ricky martin ‘uno, dos, tres’, ‘luminous’ dan ‘lumierre’ dan lain lainnya (sekali lagi saya bukan ahli bahasa).

Yang saya kagumi adalah bangsa Cina, yang (menurut sejarah) merupakan bangsa yang pertama kali membuat huruf dan kemudian mencetaknya. Hurufnya pun berbeda-beda dan memiliki suku kata yang beragam dan (menurut teman saya) banyak sekali. Jepang dan Korea juga unik, tapi antara mereka berdua (yang memang rival sejati) pengucapannya agak mirip (dan kemudian bangsa Korea merubah bahasanya menjadi bahasa Korea modern yang sering kita dengar di film-film yang mengharu-biru khas Korea). Antara Korea jaman dahulu dan jepang mungkin saya tidak tahu siapa yang meniru siapa, tapi kemiripan huruf kanji Jepang dengan pinyin Cina, sudah jelas bangsa Cina yang memulainya (menurut beberapa Encarta).

Dalam hal bahasa juga dalam segala hal, Cina memang yang terbaik, bahkan dalam hal ‘pemalsuan’, produk yang dihasilkan benar-benar berkualitas. Label-label terkenal dari eropa, Perancis, Milan, New York, dan lain-lain, tetap saja ‘made in china’. Lihat saja Versace untuk second line-nya Jeans Couture dan Sport, semuanya made in china (mungkin untuk 1st line-nya ‘Gianni Versace’ made in Europe). Produk aslinya saja made in china, apalagi yang palsunya! Hampir semua tas tas bermerek ‘mangga dua’ dihasilkan oleh Negara itu (paling tidak semua yang memiliki embel-embel kelas 1), kualitas 99,99% seperti aslinya, kadang mungkin hanya berbeda baunya saja, yang satu memiliki bau parfum dari pegawai toko di Plaza Indonesia yang menggunakan seragam, satunya lagi bau nci-nci penjual tas palsu di mangga dua.

Setelah mengolok-olok Indonesia, saya tidak menjadi sedih karena tinggal di Negara ini. Indonesia-lah tempat saya lahir (apa boleh buat), pikiran tentang meninggalkan Indonesia dan merantau ke Negara-negara lain sempat terbesit dulu (bukannya terbesit lagi, sudah menggebu-gebu), tetapi karena hal finansial, jatuh-jatuhnya juga di Universitas Tarumanagara dengan jurusan Komunikasi Visual. Saya tidak menyesal (menyesalpun percuma), saya bisa bertemu dengan teman saya yang sangat dekat dan sangat mengenal saya, menikmati pergaulan ‘sesama’ di lingkup nasional, bisa mengenal dan mengetahui berbagai lapisan status sosial (dari yang makan indomie tiap malem, sampai ibu-ibu pejabat yang tiap hari harus memiliki sebuah tas keluaran desainer mancanegara). Selain itu semua, sering terdengar hal-hal seperti ‘home sick’ dan lain-lain dari mulut kakak-kakak saya (yang memang mengambil Uni di luar), pergaulan disana memang bebas, malah terlalu bebas, sehingga pelajaran banyak yang tertinggal, dan merembet ke hal-hal lainnya. Jadi saya tidak menyesal, di kekang oleh orang tua saya, toh sekarang mereka sudah mengerti dan tidak terlalu mengekang, mungkin masa remaja saya (pesta-pesta dan lainnya) sudah terlambat dibandingkan remaja lainnya yang pada umur 16 tahun saja sudah bisa pulang jam 4 pagi! Tetapi saya selalu mengganggap masa pesta-pesta memang seharusnya dimulai pada umur saya (23 tahun), agar jadinya kelak tidak terlalu liar dan dapat menahan diri (siapa saja yang beranggapan anak umur 16 tahun bisa menahan diri, tolong, hubungi saya!)

Lots of Love! (saya tidak bisa mengubah ini, ‘banyak cinta’ terdengar aneh!)

Ummm... Enak!

It’s been a week since my brother arrived here in Jakarta from my hometown Bangka. And until now, he has this sort of fever that just wont go away, even after drank some Chinese medicine that proved best to cure the family! He already went to some doctors, hospitals, and just wont work.

Just this morning, his wife (my sister in-law) arrived Jakarta to attend her best friend wedding. And when she’s been told that her husband still got the fever. She went with this story…

Once upon a time, in Bangka, both of them went to this beach restaurant, which gave them a creepy ambiance. And while eating, my brother wont stop saying “ah.. enak.. enak!” even after his wife told him to stop saying it. Apparently, Chinese myth have told that while you’re eating, don’t ever said the word, coz according to them, when u said it, creepy creatures like ghosts and stuff heard you and took what you’re eating and always following you wherever you go. That’s actually make sense in the most non-sense there is, because now, all the food tasted like nothing to him. (Even writing this gives me the creeps)

Believing that story’s make sense, my mum having this thought of sending my brother back to where he said the word (the creepy beach) and apologize to whatever things over there. Or maybe for less-work, my mum offered him to drink ‘phu’ (some sort of water mixed with burnt sacred paper)

At my dad’s b’day party a few days ago, when I said “enak” while eating, my grams told me to shut it! I felt that was silly, I turn a joke to her and said “mm.. yummy”. Now I know the reason why she’d always warn us not to say those things while we’re eating back then. Well, she always believed those supernatural things like how you can’t stack your dishes on the dining table, or you have to eat your food in the dining table, or you can’t sleep with your feet directly point the door.

I don’t believe those things, but it doesn’t hurt to follow, it gives my grams and mum the peace of mind, why not do it for they’re sakes? I love them; I’ve always loved them! Grams, sorry for all the jokes.. mwah2

Lots of Love!

Last nites anecdote

Fantastic four, I say it’s a good movie! It doesn't make me bored and left the theater (you know, bearing in mind the megablitz chair is uncomfy). But oh, the casts! CHRIS EVANS! One good-looken boi! And also the Silver Surfer, I say that’s totally my type! That lips, that eyes, that BODEHH! Dude, marry me! Nahh… take my ass! And all I talked about last nite was that silver surfer and not the torch. Yes, the torch might be fun, but he’s a total boi (I need a man!) yeaa, keep dreamin’ as I told myself. I can't say Mr. Invisible’s not hot; he’s okay, just not my kinda man. I almost hugged that silver surfer statue they display as POP at megablitz, but social manner had taught me a lot of things. So I thrust my crave to cup his bulge between his crotch and not even taking pictures beside his bulky muscly hot silver bodeh!

We took our 5 years old nephews to watched midnight movies with us (which started at 12 and end at 2). And on the way there last nite, he said “don’t call me matthew again ok? My name is Jacky Jan”

And then the conversation:

“who is jacky Jan?”

“the one who fight all the time”

“Jacky Chan?!”

“no, my friend Wilhan said his name is Jacky Jan”

“no, matthew, his name is Jacky Chan!”

“don’t say that! His name is Jacky Jan”

“don't listen to your friend, he’s a little boy, listen to us, we’re all grown ups! His name is Jacky Chan! Why do you want to be him anyway?”

“because he’s handsome”

“what?!?! Jacky chan is not handsome! Maybe Jacky Cheung?”

“jacky jan!!”

“whatever! Next time, why don't you tell your friend Wilhan you want to be Superman! At least he’s strong and world can tell that he’s far more handsome than your friend's so-called Jacky jan”

“oh, yeah, maybe I can be Superman”

oh, please matthew, if you are big enough, I’ll tell you, just be your FREAKIN’ self! All the teachers said that you’re the most handsome kid in the class anyway! (gotta have something to do with his uncle’s cuteness! Wakakakkaka)

Lots of love!

sushi sided with green tea?

It’s been two days I have…

Homemade sushi as my breakfast, lunch, and dinner
And green-tea as an always beverage

And not only me, the whole family ate them too! Thanks to my sister who knows how to make an advance sushi, I enjoyed them as much as I enjoyed them on some Japanese resto. I’m not actually a big fan of sushi or sashimi, but since they didn't cooked any other meals, what else could a little sistah do? Good enough they thought of me while making sushi and make a lot more. There were two types of fillings for the sushi, salmon with cucumber and salmon with egg. Yesterday, since the salmon at the hyper mart was not that fresh, my sis changed them into (I kinda forgot the name of the fish, but they have the ‘king’ in it), tho it’s not salmon, but still was nice! Even just ate them this morning. And for the kids, considering they’re still 3 and 5, the fillings were only eggs.

Ahh… a very tasty and fresh green-tea packed by Nutripack was and still is BOGOF! No wonder how we only have them for beverages! Like 2 days ago, we bought 24 of them and we got 48! And this morning, as I dragged my lazy ass down to drank something fresh, I was astonished to find it was all gone! 48 boxed green-tea drank in less than 2 days?! And the effect was, all the bin around the house, filled with green boxes and straws pinned into them. Even some of my ‘lazy-ass’ sistah indolent enough to left all the empty boxes on tables. I can even spot one behind the balcony door right now!!

I think I have had enough with all the sushi and sashimi, but for the green tea, it was oh-so-nice, never had enough of them!!

Tho, my mum said she’s gonna make more sushi today (with left over from yesterdays)… ahh another sushi, ewwww…. wonder if she could really make them??? I have requested to my sistah, instead of sushi, maybe tomorrow we could have some Onigiri! Think I just had a tiny orgasm thinking about it!! Aaa…..

Lots of sushi!

i am = someone else?

How far do we have to maintain our self-image just to get a partner?

Body type
In gay society, there’s no doubt that you gotta have a smokin’ hot body, or at least lean. I’ve asked some of my fellow friends, and none of them would go out with chubby guy even thou he’s so nice and stuff. Isn’t that’s just shallow? So we have to go work our ass off just to get attention? What am I talking ‘bout, that’s the basic rules for attention! EX scene, there’s no one will turn their heads to a fatty that just passed by, but for hottie, all heads straight to one point. If you think you don't have that smokin’ hot body, at least you gotta have the sense of fashion in what-looked-good-on-chubbies. But if you are 170/75, please do yourself a favor and start putting your name in the gym!

So, yes, first impression is significant, although you’re not being yourself, at least you obtain crowds attention. Who knows, maybe various name cards will fall into your lap. Remember, this is the only time you can not-be-yourself, after you get someone’s attention, you have to be your most fabulous self – you don't want pretending to be someone else you're not for the rest of your dating days rite? It’s tiring! If you still do, just have in mind that sooner or later, he will found out the truth and you’ll end up humiliating yourself!

I still don’t understand, before, why did I have to be someone else on those first, second, third, FOURTH date?! Pretending all the time, when I knew, on the fifth date, subconsciously or not, I revealed the true me (not in one sitting, maybe 3 times and yes, all was revealed). But then again, that was like years ago, and now, if someone doesn’t like me for whom I am – slutty-bitchy-who-talk-behind-peoples-back – I can always assume there’s a lot to come! So ditch me so I can go and find someone else (that is until I find the fish is all gone, I will beg you to accept me for I will change-into-someone-you-want. LOL) don't get me wrong, it’s not that I’m against all that pretending-to-be, after all I’m this lonely gay bastard, public image is what’s important!

And for all of you who are apparently attracted to my fake-photoshoped-pictures, pleaseee… take me for WHO I AM!

Dress-up
First date, maybe I would wear my best shirt or at least t-shirt that fit good on me (I’m a freakishly tees lovah). But, lets not talk dating (it drives me crazy!), what about Saturday night, hanging out with your friends? Going to EX, see-and-be-seen? But of course! I need to dazzle some dry-eyes sitting all over the EX-PI-passage-way (well-known as the runway for all gays) yes, that runway, is where I judged people and be judged harshly by people, and if ever I wanted to walk those path, I have to be ready for my-most-fashion-victim-thou-I-knew-fashion-hurt!

{illustrated point} -I might be a bit hyperbole-
And ooo… me.got.meself.hunkie! ahh.. so sexy! And so, we went to his place and do somthin’ somthin’ it went perfect! Cause I did marvelous job with the pre-sexual to-do-list! I am simply… all that! Yes, the preparations take times - smooth sense of banana-body-puree, did a little push-up, shaved, manicure, pedicure, apple cream bath, new white undies, soft-smelling perfume, new pair of socks, clean shoes, clean tees with soft fabric and smells good, natural look wax – but was worth it! The next day, he woke up with my hair fell down, dry hand from dehydration, dried-sweat from last night “work-out”, and all that flaw that’s… human like! But his expectation to me were like oh-so-fabulous, and so when he faced the reality, he was like “I’m not ready for relationship, but you… oh you…. So… bye!”

So, which one is the true-me that I want my future partner to accept me for? Do I have to work my ass off everyday for the rest of MY LIFE just to please one person who take-me-for-who-I-am-not?! or just come clean, be my own self that one person adore and just be happy together-ever-after?!

A bit dramatic maybe, but I missed being me! And so, I want and I will be my own FABULOUS self! (By the way, is the ‘fabulous’ era over? These days, never once I heard one gay spoke the word! Am I so previous? Oh my god I hope not!)

Ahhh… just like Carrie, I just need to feel a weight of a man on top of me! And I am that desperate!

Lots of Love!

Get a life! better yet, get a partner!

Why do I have to get a life?

Sleeping at 9 a.m and wake up the same day at 3 p.m is not a typical life I’d hope I pursue at the age of 22! And I’m one year older in less than a month. I’m getting used to it, already been months since the last time I can tell days and dates.

What date is today?
I have to check my cell first for that question

I’m stuck or am i just simply not trying?

i am now on the last semester and doing my dos-final project, it had taken me zero times of my days, do nothing except waiting for the goddamn second evaluation with two tutors (already did the 1st evaluation with first tutor on 11th june, and the second will be held on 19th june) and finally the final presentation on 25th june. Until then, can I really find a job where they accept the fact that I’m still in college (although a months away)? just to fill my open time, I could do a part timer, unfortunately, not a lot of vacancy on that part! And here I am complaining about my problem when out-there, there are a lot of people facing the bigger problem than mine. But the thing is, I’m just tired living my life! The thought of suicide did cross my mind, but hell, that’s stupid and irresponsible! (even, I felt stupid just thinking of it)

Thanked god, these few couple of days I’m occupied, in charge of buying needed things for my dad’s birthday tomorrow, like going to the market to buy some shredded coconut (duh! Like everyday I’m buying that from the market! Anything else?!) And today, I was just from the mall to buy the cake (the cheese cake from bread talk’s very tempting! Take them tomorrow at 6 p.m sharp!) and written on the cake “Happy Birthday Daddy!” (First I wanted “Happy Birthday Grappy” but then my sis’s agreed on daddy), then to Carrefour to buy some egg, plates and forks, garlic, bla bla bla… and ah… there’s a cute one around the corner of bread and pastries, totally my type! But, running out of time, without introducing myself, I have to get back! He’ll come around anytime soon anyway.. hahaha…

Tomorrow’s going to be a busy day, mum already asked her sis to come and help, and she needed as much help as possible, including grams? I don’t think grams could help much accept to watch over her great grand child (that’s my nephew). Mum’s not going to allow me to go anywhere tomorrow since she need my help just incase she needed something from the mall, and in return, I asked her to make my favorite food, fried squid with salted bread crumbs (yum!), then she said too much work that has to be done, so she told me just to buy it from some seafood restaurant (good enough!)

Why do I have to get myself a partner?

I’m totally upset with the ‘partner’ word! Where is the partner I’ve been looking for? Am I demanding? Is that why I couldn’t get myself one? I have always said these things “seems like all the good ones were already taken, what’s left is the cute ones but for some little reason, i'm just not a fan” yes, that’s my friend, is demanding!

What have I got so far? Who’s my target? Am I looking for sexual appeal? Am I into appearances? And the question I’ve been asking myself, my sis’s, my friends lately…

Am I a Top or Bot?!

One friend said to me, sex is the foundation of relationship (it is for her), once she had this relationship with someone who’s so bad in bed (maybe not really that bad, but he just don’t know where to put his big penis which end up hurting her), she always end up having fight with that man for the same problem over and over.

Size really doesn’t matter, if one person can’t perform well as Top…
Big penis: Hurt
Small penis: don't feel a thing!

and with professional Tops would be...
Big penis: AHHH... I'M COMING!!
Small penis: AHHH... I'M COMING!!

Some people are into chubby and some people into muscle or lean figure. Even sometimes, there are also some people who are into rough dirty animalistic body (I don't understand). To me though, I don’t really care about chubby or muscle, as long as they’re not so skinny-I-could-break-his-bones or dirty, I’m good! But, I also think that there are some people who looked good chubby and some looked good muscled (and some in between). Like a friend of mine, she liked the look of her boyfriend even though people can totally see that he’s overly weight (but he still looked good! Before I just think he’s good in pickin’ his clothes, now I know he’s the type of person who looked good either way, chubby or fit)

Once I walked just to buy some stuff at the mall, I saw this good-looking man, he’s chubby, but he’s cute. At the first glance, I shouted loudly inside “I CAN DO HIM!” well, he’s totally gay the way he looked at me, but I think that’s his boyfriend next to him, so, NEXTT!!!

Am I into appearance? I think so, but in lower level I guess! I really don't mind chubby, as long as he’s still looking cute and stuff (FYI, there are people who’s totally against chubby! Even a little fat on the waist “NA AH! YOU WISH! BUBAY…”)

I have always been a Top for the past few relationships I had, and everybody always known me as Top, a questioned-top! (secara ngondek getohh!), although here and then, some asked me to be his bot and I said yes, half a penis I gave them time-out! It hurted a lot! Gosh! I reached the point where it was bleeding! Then the sex stopped. But these days, I always thought that it would be nice if I were a bot! But remembering the pain and blood, I don't think I want to have one of those ever again!

it's kinda confusing...

So what am i? I’m tired to be Top, and I can't be Bot! It kinda make me nothing, who wants to fuck nothing?!?!?! Awwww… I’m sadd…… ☹

Lots of Love! (my ass!)

faux.. oh.. faux

Fake.. ahh… I know them very well… I’m not talking about human fake, or fake fur, or fake whatever (but yea, I can tell a fake person)… but designers faux!

Recently, while I’m having an afternoon tea with my dear friend Tom, looking through magazines, my eyes caught a big bold font in black: FAUX! With pictures of designer bags like LV, Prada, Christian Dior, Hermes, you name it! Since the thrill sense of fashionista inside my body tickle my wits to catch the latest information, so I read the long text in a subdued manner.

There, the writer (she) claims that there’s two type of being who carries a (as I wrote it by her word) Counterfeit. I can’t recall those two types of hers. But what I do remember is that when I read her writing, I’m a bit disagreeing. Maybe she’s just not really being specific, but of course there are more than just two types. I don't have to say it here right? I’m sure you people who carry one faux can judge, just like me with 2 of my fake Mangga Dua bags.

On second thought, maybe I can tell one type, well it’s me, one person who thought that the real designer bags they displayed artistically in Plaza Indonesia persuading a lovely minx fur speedy bag for unreasonable 29 million! Not really a favorite of high-end designer labels and bought the fake one because I thought the design is very nice and with nice quality too! (Yes, even though they’re fake, the leather is originally cow) moo…

And another type I know, a person who take advantage of the designer labels (although they know it’s fake, but when the quality is oh-so-nice, God knows!) and claim that they just bought they’re Mangga Dua Hermes in Dubai (I actually experienced this myself! We knew it’s fake, but she kept on going about her Versace’s Python Canyon bag. Dubai my ass!)


What about a person who just follow the fashion drift? People were using LV’s pattern, gotta find an LV’s pattern in mangga Dua? Well, that’s another type…

And a lot more! Duh! It’s people! One thousands peoples, one thousands personality right? (ahh… even sometimes one person have two personalities!)

Lots of Love!

suicide?

it's back?!

I just gain some knowledge that play childish chatting game is back! (As we all know, there’s only 40% truth on the IRC) most common is a fake name (I play those on my early years, but they still do that these days?), and fake pictures (to entice person who’s into cutie, like me, haha!) sometimes they used Asian celebrity pictures (amazingly some people enticed, idiot!). But here, I’m not talking those basic games. I’m talking about this game (not that basic but still is) created by using those basic games I talked earlier…

And please don’t judge me for chatting too much lately (I’m single and have nothing to do, it’s only natural!)

~D Playa
It’s called, play somebody else’s identity. Somehow, you found out that one nickname belonged to your ex or the person you missed or even the one you hurt. Sometimes, there’s this feeling that you wanted to know how’s that person holding up without that person have to know it is you the one who asked (you don’t want to risk your oh so mighty pride). That’s where you come up with new nick, and query that person and introduce yourself as Theodore when your real name is Ujang ;-P and of course, most people (that I know of), will ask for picture trading. It’s easy, you can just use someone’s blog that has picture in it or Friendster is much easier (remember to pick the cute one). Then it’s time to fill in your curiosity by asking some questions you need to know (but not too obvious and play it smart).

~D Played
You will not noticed it first when you’re chatting, but after a while, you realize that there’s something that does not add up to the stories that person told you earlier (yes, they could be so clever plotting stories, but they made mistakes too) and please don't underestimate me! I invented them!

Oh, and there’s a lower level for ‘fake pictures’, it’s a ‘touch-up’ pictures! Yes, these days, photoshop is so in, everybody’s (including me) using it! Smoothens your face? Done! Annoying pimples? Erased! Over-sized lips? Make it smaller please! Sexy cheekbone? Uh huh! Nothing to worry about the guilt of lying to people, it’s you! (Although after a couple ‘plastic surgeries’) it’s still you! You will have more chances getting phone numbers! Trust me! Although, you must be careful the time you finally meet up. You need to level up the expectation. Maybe, covering your face with huge sunglass? Go figure! (I warned people already, and I’m saying it again, all ma pictures are edited, my gratitude to photoshop! Don't even try to meet me!)

Ahh… games… can’t live without ‘em!

Lots of Love!

History has said...

Among an ancient Greek civilian, not only homosexuality is allowed, but also valued. Slim young body, like boys have, was a form of an ideal beauty for ancient Greek male, and numbers of statues and paintings built to honor. Ancient Greek believed that homosexuality must be honored, held in higher level of pride and gives the inspirations for youth to joined the community. They also consider that young gays has shows that they’re very brave, and an accomplished heroes because they fought ‘for love’ (what?!?!)

Roman empire, Julius Caesar is illustrated as a man of ‘all women’ and a woman of ‘all men’.

When the Christians not approved of this homosexual non-sense and experienced that God destroy the Sodom city, to punished the homosexuals, the homosexual hides on their closets and never shows their nose in public ever since.

In the reign of queen Victoria, government refuse to believe that homosexual ever existed, even if they existed, the government consider that as a devil work and will be heavily penalize. When we enter the 21st century, most oldies still believed that homosexual is an abnormal behavior. The facts are that homosexual is already beginning when the male embryo didn't consume enough testosterone. Among the primates, homosexual behavior utilized to bond some group or a form of discipline that shows respect from youth to the elder.

Lots of Love!

Genetically Involved

I just found out, that being gay is not a choice. It’s more like genetically influenced. Ha?! What do you say of that?!

Research has shown that, basic form of human body and brain is female at first. That’s why men have the typical body form like woman, like nipple. Men also have breast milk that’s not functioning but still got the potential to produce some. Thousands of cases about prisoners who produce breast milk from his nipple. That time, a great starvation caused illness that made malfunction liver and devastate their significant hormone for producing breast milk.

As we all know, six to eight weeks after the fertilization, a male embryo (XY) obtain large amount of male hormone called androgen, which first create scrotum (testis) and on the next doses, they transform from female brain to a pact of male brain. (We do know that male and female brain is completely different right?!) And if the male embryo didn't consume enough of male hormone on the right time, that baby boy might be born with a set of brain that’s a bit towards feminine than masculine. In other words, that baby boy might be gay on his puberty. Or, in some cases, a boy who's genetically a male, but with completely female brain pact with men ‘tools’ if you know what I’m talking about ;-) this boy at certain age will become a transgender, biologically male with female feelings. Even sometimes, this person born with two sets of genitals.

Surroundings hold a very small part for our behavior than we ever thought they did. Scientists find that actually there’s no outcome at all from the attempts parents did trying to suppress the homosexual behavior of their juvenile or adult sons. And the main reason is the lack of male hormone on their brain; that’s why most homosexual is male. (For female to become lesbian, they {female embryo XX} have to consume extra androgen/testosterone)

Sexual experts agreed that homosexual is an orientation that cannot be change. Most researchers believed that homosexual developed inside fetus, so the pattern of homosexual strongly built at the age of five, and that happens out of that person control. For centuries, many ways have been developed to suppress the homosexual behavior in ‘suffering’ ways, such as severing breasts, medicine therapy, front-brain surgery, mental therapy, shock therapy, spiritual consultation, unleash the ‘demon’ from the body, etc…
Not even one succeeded. The best result they achieved was to make some bisexual to restrain their sexual activities so they only do it with the opposite sex or to force the homosexual to be single forever with sin and fear, even push them to commit suicide.

Other research regarding gay sexual preference by National Cancer Institute has shown that homosexual built genetically. From collected statistics about families’ gene from 114 gay men shows that there are three times chances that parents, cousins, and the uncles, is also gay.

Mouse, a mammal that’s commonly used for research. They have the same hormones, genes, and core system just like human, but their brain’s not developing when still inside the fetus like human. if we give an androgen/testosterone to a female newly born mouse will cause that mouse to act aggressive like a male and hump any other females. All this transforming brain can only be done when the brain is in the stage of embryonic. The same methods applied to an adult rats, birds, and monkey indicated failed to create the same results because their brain has already strongly built while in the fetus.

Turns out, human testing about transforming brain is already been done in Russia! These experiments regarding human’s brain converting in some times. The result is the same as the mouse experiments. They changed boys to girls and girls to boys by changing their brain while they’re still inside the fetus by giving male hormone. Those researchers create gays, lesbians, and transsexuals. There are times when the embryo does not consume enough male hormones or consumed the hormones not in the right time. The result is a boy with two genitals.

While pregnancy, if the testosterones squashed and the embryo is a male, there’s a great chance the baby boy is gay. That thing could happen because it’s the female hormone that’s used to build the brain in the first place. An anxiety, tension pregnant woman will generate six times more chances of having a gay baby boy. And if it’s a female, then the baby will be a very feminine woman.
We all know the danger of alcohols and nicotine for pregnant woman also the positive effects of food control and free life from all tensions. New research by experts such as Dr. Vivette Glover in London’s Chelsea Hospital shows that a tension pregnant woman gave birth to a baby who can’t live under pressure. Dr. Glenn Wilson from Psychiatrics Institute in London, said “Certain chemical medicines could agitate the function of testosterone and the result is a gay baby boy”
If the embryo carried a female genetic (XX) and the brain consumes enough male hormones, then she will born a female with a brain working like a male. As teenager, this female usually called tomb-boy and they play harder than any of her girlfriends. They tend to produce more hair than any other girls on their puberty, also have a greater ability to play ball. As adults sometimes they called themselves butch. Most of them become lesbians. The consume of male hormone sometimes unintended did happened, such as when the pregnant woman drink a medicine that hold a large amount of male hormone like contraception pill, diabetes pill, and other medicines.
One research of a diabetes pregnant woman in the 50s and 60s shows that there’s a lot of cases about a female that turn lesbian on their puberty because they consume too many male hormone from the diabetes medicine her mother used while the development of the brain inside the fetus.
The same thing also happened, where the research shows that a pregnant woman that consume too many female hormone / estrogen with the hope of helping the pregnancy, have five to ten times more chance of having a gay baby boy.

So, after all these experiments by some graduated professors, and researchers, and the experts in everything, you’re not still thinking that gay is a choice right? It’s all genetically involved!

Lots of Love!

Woman

I’ve heard, people (woman) actually said that they have these theories that they’re actually just something that can be inherit. As I literally wrote it by their words “woman frequently considered as something that can be inherit. After childhood they belonged to their father, then they belongs to their husband, and after that, they belongs to their kids”

Is that true? Or stupid? (Hell, I think that’s plain stupid)

Woman… oh woman… how do they expect to have their emancipation if that’s their way of thinking. No wonder how men rules over thousands of years and thought of woman as end-of-day bonus.

Yes, they belonged to their father, but do they even think that they belonged to their mother also? A woman! And belongs to their husband? Did most wives think of themselves that way? I’m sure western people didn’t thought that way, take Desperate Housewives for example, the movie was based on how housewives in America did their lives, every problem they’re facing, every errands they run, and sometimes they’re desperate, but I guess not as desperate as woman here who thought they’re some kind of ‘stuff’ their parents inherit. If you watched the movies, you will see that the relationship between both wife and husband were equal. Because each of them know what they’re duty on the first place. Husbands working and wives taking care of the house and kids, and sometimes it goes the other way around, like Tom and Lynette, Lynette’s working while Tom watching the kids. How was it that they (women here) still even thought of themselves some sort of legacy?

And on the same page, they also said “once I thought, maybe just when we die, woman could really, really be herself. But that thought definitely was a mistake after I had my second semester. From Greek mythology, I found out that when woman were born, they’re cursed by Artemis, they’re whole lives will always to sacrifice herself”

Now this is getting nowhere! They even believe an ancient mythology? (Now I’m curious if she’s one of those ‘blast from the past’ people). You’re living in a world where you can dial up for visual sex for Christ sake!

Oh, and here’s something funny…

“Ah… even when they’re dead, a woman never really own herself, but God owns them, they’re cursed to be an angel to decorate heaven, fulfilling men sexual needs”

Oh crap!

Lost of Love! (Definitely those women were lost!)

Lo.ne.ly

Have you ever finds that you feel so lonely in a crowd? Some said, perhaps because we never really know that crowd… hell, that crowd is my own family! I guess, only one answer to that, you don’t have a partner!

Why is it that we needed partner so bad? We do have family and friends! And so, even though we do have partner, what do we usually do? Dating? Then what, movies? Then, if we haven't found ourselves a partner, instead of dating or movies, we can always spend our extra time hanging out with our friends or movies with family. So what makes it so different?

Denying, we’re in desperate need of that! Ignoring that even though friends and families always there for us, they have a life too. Guess we can't really be too selfish to dominate on their lives. And that’s where we found ourselves really lonely. Who to blame? Our self who Pathetically couldn’t even find a partner, that’s who! Well, can't really blame me, actually, for not having a sensitive side that’s needed to understand when I’ve tried so damn hard! I am too selfish anyway; wonder if that makes me a terrible boyfriend? Of course!

One friend, I asked to define what true love meant to him, he said, (with my words, apparently his words were too dense)…

True love is for us to love our self and to accept for who we are, never have doubts for us… when we reaches that point, we meet someone who feel the same way about themselves like we do. Cause if we don’t love our self, how do we expect to love other? It goes the other way around.

Anyway, love is too complex, we can’t really said anything about love. New problem come after a solved problem right? Life’s always is!

Why am I always writing about love is out of my own control! I am, in fact, tired about all this, I have always remind myself to stop all this, yet, here I am, talking this lonely bla bla, for the reason of love!

Lots of Love!

FINE, I THOUGHT WRONG!

I have uttered on my late blog that I still maintain friends with my ex-es cause I think (that’s me who’s thinking) it’s ok to become friends with your ex. So, without thinking any further, I just message them as usual, calling up for coffee, asking things I knew they’re the expert, and when they asked me to go out with them having dinner, I said yes. Am I wrong? That’s what friends do right? (at least that’s what I thought)

One of my friend, my ex, whatever, ask me to have some late coffee recently, it was around 9 PM, I have nothing to do anyway, so I said yes. At first I really enjoy it, I share some stories about my recent ‘break ups’ and he told me story about his love-journey with all three men at once. Then he said he’s in some sort of dilemma… I thought it was about that third men who’s apparently liked him so much but he didn’t really have the feelings. So, as Friend, I gave him some advices that’s apparently all his friends already gave (nothing I can do pretty much eh?) but he said that’s not the problem he’s facing right now… at that time, I knew where that was going, but pretending don't know a thing, I just ask him what’s wrong…

As usual, the drama of his life was reminisced! As if I haven’t heard of that enough, he kept on reminiscing the old days of ‘us’ together back then! But, as polite as possible I just nod and drink and nod and smoked… proximately about an hour until he finally reached his point that he still has certain feelings for me and wanted me back! Already knew, but I acted surprised (I did well)

I told him, all this times that we’re (me & him) apart, even though I had ups and downs on some relationship, never once I ever think of getting back together with him. Why? I never told him this, but I still think he’s still immature in someway and still as fake as that LV bag I had. All the words that came out from his mouth, all that stories, it was all devious… and I knew him for one and half year… so I knew that’s his best feature.

He’s in denial and still thinking I would think of getting back together… and then he said what’s with all that messages and phone calls to him if I’m not planning on getting back together… I told him couple of times, that’s not giving hope, that’s just a friend asking one friend about something!

Again, as a friend, I gave him some advices. I have always thought, if someone’s breaking up with you and you’re still in love to that one person, it’s best if you stay away from him as far as possible, never contact and avoid all places that you think you might bump into him… what did that do to me? I still can't sleep at night, blank all the time… so I called my always friend Elena for comfort and of course to share… she said, all I did was wrong and stupid! She said, that I’m just avoiding the inevitable, the problem itself, rather than facing it. So she told me, if I wanted free from this problem, I have to face it. As I quote her, ‘be his friend, at least you can still see him, and you’ll see it yourself that he’s not giving any hope for you’. Make sense actually… if I make friends with him, he’ll tell me stories about his new man, first maybe irritating, but if it goes and goes and goes… that’s when I know I have no hope so I can move on!

So that is exactly what I said to my ex, be friends with me… he’s still saying how everybody else can get their second chance but not him… I’m getting pissed, I told him harshly, all that people he’s illustrated were still have feelings for each other, that’s why they can get back together, but not us…

And so, I thought that him and me cannot be friends anymore, and I told him that. He nodded. Then he asked me not to contact any of his friends, cause if I do, all his friends will sort of ‘report’ to him about me, and that’ll make him sad. But of course! I’m not really close to all his friends anyway…

I guess, I thought wrong, how you can't be friends with your ex who's apparently still have feelings for you! But, for me, even though (IF) I still in have feelings for my ex, I really want to make friends with them, I think I can face the fact… No, I have to face the facts than to refuse it!

Lots of Love!

Love you anyway...

It’s 10 PM
And you’re late again
And I can’t understand
What kept you so long?

Now look at you
Wearing that shirt again
Don’t you realize
How ugly that thing is?

Here it comes
You complain again
Complain about everything
It’s driving me mad!

But even so
I love you anyway
No matter how things have gone
You’ll always have me